Why? (do you use drugs)

"It starts with a wound"

They wanted a neat answer. A simple reason. But it’s never that simple. 

I don’t think I understood the reasons why. 

Deep down, maybe. But I don’t know if I could have put it into words. 

It wasn’t just a party gone too far (although they often did), or just peer pressure, or just pain. It was never just one thing that led to 10 years of drug addiction. 

It was a perfect storm. 

A thousand cuts. A thousand reasons. Some loud, some quiet. Most of them inexplainable, invisible.

Most I didn’t understand until years later. Some I still don’t. 

So here you go (not an exhaustive list).

Not to glorify it. But to help someone else put meaning to it. To feel seen. And understood.

Reasons why I used drugs: 

• It was Friday night 

• I was curious 

• Everyone else was doing it 

• I felt ashamed 

• I was in pain 

• My friend died 

• I felt like I didn't belong 

• I didn’t want to feel anything 

• I was bored 

• I wanted to escape 

• I didn’t know how to cope 

• I didn’t like who I was 

• It gave me a confidence boost 

• I was running from the truth 

• Another friend died 

• It was Saturday night 

• I was angry 

• I didn’t feel loved 

• Or accepted 

• I wanted to forget 

• I wanted to fit in 

• I was pressured 

• I didn’t care about the consequences 

• I thought it would be fun 

• It was quite good fun 

• I didn’t know who I was 

• I was grieving 

• I didn’t feel safe 

• I wanted to rebel 

• I was lost 

• I was stressed 

• It helped me sleep 

• It was payday 

• I didn’t know how else to survive 

• I was running from my past 

• I felt like a failure 

• I was lonely 

• I didn’t know how to ask for help 

• I was stuck 

• It made me creative 

• I needed it to function 

• I wanted to silence my thoughts 

• I was drowning in shame 

• There was a party 

• I had no hope for the future 

• I didn’t feel like I mattered 

• I wanted to feel alive 

• I was addicted 

• It was a Saturday night 

• I was self-destructing 

• I couldn’t face reality 

• I was trying to numb the noise 

• I didn’t value my life 

• I was on holiday 

• I thought I was too far gone 

• I had no boundaries 

• I was desperate for connection 

• I felt invisible 

• I didn’t want to feel weak 

• I was trapped in the cycle 

• I believed the lies 

• I felt like I couldn’t stop 

• I was chasing that first high 

• It was my birthday 

• I wanted to quiet the noise 

• I felt broken 

• I was angry 

• I didn’t think I deserved better 

• I was tired of the voices in my head 

• I wanted to disappear 

• The sun was out 

• I didn’t think anyone would understand 

And maybe... 

If you’ve felt any of those things, and you wanted to run away too.

You can understand how addiction doesn’t start with drug use.

It starts with a wound. 

The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection. 

Know this: 

If this list hits home, 

You’re not broken.

You’re not alone. 

You’re just human. 

And at least now you know ‘why’.